The Son-in-law

She planted the bright Red Bindi on her forehead, gave herself a selfie-smile as she admired her newly married look. 'Are you ready Ria, the guests will be here soon' called out her brand new Mummyji. It was her first big family dinner in her new home as the Bahu. Rushing out into the living room, looking like the 'poster bride', she was ready to embrace this new life.'Looking lovely Ria - now let me tell you what you need to bring out the snacks in.' She was going to host her new family and win over their hearts today - not only by never letting their plates go empty, but by saying the right things, all the while smiling pleasantly. And so she did.

Few days later, as she adjusted her pink bangles, getting ready to head off for another family dinner - this time at her parents' house, Mummyji called out "Ria, hope you are not wearing the diamond set beta". She again presented herself in the living room - to ensure she looked like the 'well taken care of' bride. They reached her parents house and she realised how she had missed home. Her mom hugged her tight - stepped back to admire her daughter's clothes, but actually discreetly checking for the happiness in her daughter's eyes. But she couldn't look too long, because The Son-In-Law had arrived. "Oh come beta, make yourself comfortable - Ria make sure Aryan eats the snacks while they are hot".

This was not the first time Ria had been told to ensure that Aryan was served hot food. But usually,she heard it from her in-laws or their relatives. It was just when she heard it from her own mother that Ria paused to reflect about 'The Son in law' phenomena. 

Why was it that Aryan seemed to be the first priority in his and her home? She did not recollect her mother-in-law asking Aryan to offer Ria hot food in all these days that she had moved into her married home.In fact, neither had she herself asked Ria about her favorite dishes yet. Just as she was brushing her thoughts aside, telling herself that she was over thinking it - she heard her mother say "Arre, Aryan, have made your favorite kadai paneer today. Will pack some for you also beta." No, it wasn't a bubble, this Son in Law phenomena was for real. And it was here to stay.

"Aryan,do you know mummyji hasn't even asked me about my favorite dishes yet, and mom not only knows how much you love kadai paneer but she even packed it for you!" Aryan looked puzzled. "Are you seriously fussing about this?You can just tell mummy what you like and she will get it cooked. Stop being so dramatic Ria." Ria kept trying to explain how she felt he was the centre of everyone's Universe but all Aryan could her was complaints. This was their first fight as a married couple.The first of many.

It was then that Ria realized that she would now be benchmarked always as a wife and a daughter-in-law.She had not only bid goodbye to her parents and her home, but also to a life where she was the first priority for anyone.

If Aryan did anything extra for her, both the sets of parents would make sure to praise it on the dinner table. And if Ria missed one of her do's, both the sets of parents made sure to raise it on the dinner table. 

When they had their first baby, Aryan and Ria made sure they divided their baby work amongst themselves without much interference from their families. If Ria travelled for work, and Aryan took care of the baby, many a relative would speak highly of Aryan being not only a fantastic parent but an even better husband who let his wife continue pursuing a career. On other days, Ria would continue to do her many chores without as much as a word of praise.After all she was just doing her duty. 

On days that Ria's family visited their home, and Aryan cooked them some hot snacks, he was lauded as being the perfect host and Ria to be the lucky one who could never have dreamt of a better partner.Her mother would praise the way that Aryan took care of them, and treated them just like his own family.T he Son in Law had won.He had after all not only been cordial and friendly, but also taken a step ahead to show his love by taking to the kitchen.

On days when Aryan 's family visited their home, and Aryan brought out the snacks, his mother quickly rushed to help out in the kitchen,assuming that Ria's inefficiency had forced Aryan to not only make the snacks but also serve them! Her mother in law lovingly pointed out to the dusty fans and said that Ria needed to be more vigilant with the maids. Ria had again fallen short of being the Perfect Daughter In Law.

She wondered what made her feel worse - giving more than her 100% & still not being able to live up to her in-laws benchmarks or Aryan doing so easily winning the heart of her own family. It was then that Ria realized that the benchmarks for the Daughter in Law and the Son in Law were so incomparable, that Ria never stood a chance. Aryan was after all the prodigal son and The Son-in-law. 

Life Hacks-From Mummy to Baby- Hack#2

 Hack #2 - Empathy

Dear J

As we wrapped up the day, and you asked for my hand - like everyday and a story - like everyday, I refused today because of a terrible throatache. Like everytime, you decided to pull out the 'crying incessantly' card on me again. But this time, I didn't budge. I let you cry yourself to sleep. This is pre-mature I know, but I think you need mumma to tell you about empathy.

As your mum, everyday I do atleast 1 thing which discomforts me, to make sure you're comfortable. This is what parents do. Maybe we would continue to. But as you grow older,remember that without empathy & care, you will find it impossible to forge any real relationship. Because everyone has a tough day, a tough week,a tough month or a tough year - but as a daughter, friend, partner or spouse, if you end up looking for only your piece of the pie, my dear, you'll probably be eating the pie all alone. 

Before you grow up to believe that 'your wish is our command' - let me burst the Disney bubble for you, princess. Not everytime.

Love and care is a two-way street. You give some, you get some.Just don't keep a scoreboard.Try to empathize with someone else's situation by putting yourself in their shoes before you decide to judge them.It's only when you can truly empathize with people that you will find it in your heart to give without wanting in return.Giving is much more powerful and fulfilling,my darling, than receiving. There might be times that other see your unconditional giving as a sign of your weakness or even something they can take advantage of, make sure you keep your distance from those people.But don't get disheartened. Empathy is an underrated value - very hard to practice and equally hard to find. But it will surely give you a happier and healthier heart.

So, the next time I'm unwell, hold my hand and tuck me in with a story. 

Love

Your non-selfless mumma :) 

Changing the Career Gear

I heard the ‘Sunscreen’ song after a long time yesterday. The beauty of that song is that at any stage of my life, be it when I heard it for the first time in college or now, there is atleast one stanza which is relevant for that very moment. Here is what stayed with me :

“ Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want  to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know, still don’t.”

Looking for a career shift is definitely challenging – having done it myself, I speak from experience. Career shifts could be driven by internal factors (such as to find something more aligned to your preferences) or by external influences (the changing dynamics of business & employment opportunities in the world). Once you have identified potential industries/roles for the shift, here are a few tips to make the journey smoother :

      1)  Be Patient – While we are a society which reaches late everywhere, somehow when it comes to career moves, we value speed over everything else. Probably, it emanates from our culture of comparative success. ‘She managed to make a career shift in 2 months – you’re smarter, I’m sure you will make it in a month’. No, this is not a race. Take your time to decide why you want to make this career shift, how it would play over the next few years and which would be your preferred employers. In the need for speed, we sometimes overlook our unique needs and aspirations from our career. Focus inward and keep at it.

      2)   Prepare, Prepare, Prepare –If there is one thing you can control in this dynamic career situation, it’s the preparation for this new role. While a lot of work must have already happened while deciding the next steps, preparation for an interview requires some structure :

a. Subscribe to industry-specific newsletters – Reading about the latest happenings would give you newer insights, and also come in handy while answering questions like “What do you think needs improvement and how?” or even “What’s your take on this problem? How would you approach it?” Most companies are looking for innovative fresh perspective, rather than the ‘has-been-this-way-always’ way of thinking. Being an enthusiastic,eager-to-learn candidate is a definite plus.

b. Read the Job Description carefully – Most of the interview questions are fairly evident from the job description itself. The critical thing is to sew together your skills from your past experience into the role requirements. Make this specific with situations/projects which will help connect the dots for the interviewer. This is possibly the most time-consuming part of the preparation, but the most critical.

c.Interact with people from that industry - Most probably your understanding of the role would be half-baked and more glamorous than the job itself, but speaking to as many people from that industry would throw up keen insights. These will not only prepare you better for the upcoming interview but also allow you to have a set of follow up questions for the interviewer. This is another big plus in showing your interest and initiative to take up the role.

3) Create a list of transferable skills - No role in a new career will fit right into your resume at first look. But if you spend time keenly on jotting down each and every skill you have acquired in your past stints, there is high likelihood of finding some transferable skills which could be easily applicable in this myriad new career. Were you part of a sales team in the Banking industry - where you prospected new customers, converted them to achieve sales targets? An example of a transferable skill,relevant to many industries or part of roles involving business development & client interaction.Most times the skill would not be exactly replicated, however, having the skill laundry list in place is critical to stitch the relevance of current experience into the new career you're aspiring for. Even if it means highlighting a small part of your current experience which you enjoy, are good at and want to focus or enhance, and hence, the new shift.

4) Don't be afraid to reach out -The first step to trying anything new is to drop the baggage of 'what will they think'. If there is someone who could help you with landing a role or mentor you about the industry of your choice, reach out to them. Irrespective of seniority, pedigree, background, etc. Sometimes all we need to do is ask.There might be some who don't respond,there might be some who respond and politely decline, but there would also be those who step forward willingly. 

Any change takes time and focussed effort. Don't forget to keep away the negativities and remember that once you're on a new glorious career path, you will pat yourself on the back for the journey! I surely did!

Life Hacks-From Mummy to Baby

Hack # 1- The Happy Place

Dear J

Life is short and unpredictable but everyday, if we step aside from the daily conundrum for just a minute & keep one memory of that day alive in our hearts, very soon we will have a bag full of moments which made us feel alive.

That's probably why mumma loves vacations. It's the time of the year to enjoy the smallest measure of life,like staring at the moon gradually go down behind the huge palms with the gentle background music of the waves hitting the shore. And then, suddenly, that moment finds a place in your heart as your happy place. This is therapy for your soul and just when you feel like the world is a horrible place, just close your eyes & go to your happy place. It will keep you going, even when mumma is not around to comfort you.

Don't let anyone fool you into believing that happiness is money in the bank or jewellery in the locker. Happiness is your collection of happy moments - it's like a little library in your heart - which you retire to as the years close. Money is just a facilitator. Because after you have felt the water on your feet in the middle of the night at the beach or seen the glorious sunrise in the mountains or cycled through paddy fields in a summer afternoon or enjoyed the vast valley view from a hillside and heard the sound of quietness, after you have taken a moment to drop the future or the past, and soak in the present, will you truly feel the meaning of happy.

Because happiness,my baby, doesn't come at an asking price.It simple wants us to be.So your happy moment could happen over a weekend getaway to the hills on a shoe-string budget, or a luxury vacation you spent a monthly salary on - but I assure you that it would never happen, if you forget to count your blessings. If you forget to enjoy the moment.If you don't let your heart drown the noise and sing it's own sweet song. 

Breathe.Life is short.Make memories.Find your happy place.

Love
Mumma

Befriending the 30s

Turning 30 was a milestone but it took a while to start realizing what the 30s would bring. As I close in 2 years into this decade,I'm finally ready to make this a brand new chapter - letting go of anything which makes me feel like I'm desperately holding on to my younger self. I'm going to be friends with this decade - and enjoy it for what it's truly here to offer - the freedom to experience everything I want to.

Gone are the 20s which were all about discovery - finding your true love, finding your first job and then looking out for a career,and then switching a career, finding how to deal with institutions like marriage n all the regressiveness that might accompany it at times, discovering parenthood,finding the meaning of friendship and family in a new way..Yes, its best described as a decade to DISCOVER ourselves in new exciting situations.20s are like the Tequila Shot which kickstarts the party..

30s is the decade to EXPERIENCE all the dreams - the ones we didn't have time or money for once upon a time, the ones we believed were just too far fetched or 'uncool', the ones we thought our friends/family would disapprove of or simply the ones we wouldn't allow ourselves to accept. I took the first leap of faith by turning full-time entrepreneur for 2 years - it was a gruesome ride but one that I chose for myself. Those were also the most empowering years of my life - where I broke free from the shackles of 'what who would think' to pursue one of my dreams. It probably didn't go exactly as I'd have liked but results aren't the only measure of the journey. The choice is all we have - to make it our own unique journey or to embrace an assembly line 'one size fits all' kinda journey. This is my decade to choose. To experience the new and the unbelievable.To seek a bit more.Not more things, more experiences.Its my decade to sip my Tennessee with a diet coke at my pace.

I'm going to count this year by 12 new experiences rather than the 12 months. I've decided to worry less about my promotion,my nestegg,my bank balance and more about the memories I create for myself this year. I've decided to be less of a mom, a daughter,a wife, a friend and be more of myself. I've decided to drop the baggage and embrace my curiosity of everything - however bizarre it may be. For this is the time to live.I'm not going to dream of a glamorous retirement - I'd rather plan a glamorous present.

Dearest Dad..

Losing a parent is the toughest loss anyone deals with,at any point in time. I faced this loss 5 years ago - and never had the courage to talk about it at length,let alone write about it. Just the sheer thought of our times together, of what was - and what could've been - gives me a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach.I refrain from letting myself feel the enormity of it, that's my mechanism. We all have our mechanisms. I've been dealing with it all this while - and finally it's time to write that long due letter to my Dad.

I was never really a Daddy's girl. Until the day I became a parent, and it dawned on me how heavily influenced I was by my dad's strange ways. I say strange, because, well he wasn't really the dutiful,family-oriented, Sooraj Barjatya movie-kinda guy. He was pretty much the guy who did exactly what he wanted to do. He was adventurous, bordering on crazy,he was liberal, almost too much,he was abashedly expressive about his love and anger, he was all about having fun. No, he wasn't even close to being the 'Trophy Dad'.Which made me resent his ways in my growing years.

Much to my surprise, as I'm growing older, I see my Dad in a whole new light. As relationships get more complicated, and so does finding truly joyful company - I often find myself going back to Dad's unabashed sense of fun. As I reflect on the 26 years we spent together, among the jokes and the fun, there are many ways in which Dad made me the person I am today.



Whenever I'm scared of any untravelled path, I think of Dad.

He was fearless - like I said, almost crazy. Dad was a sucker for the Mountains - and his idea of a holiday was only one - road trip to any corner of Himachal. My every memory of a vacation for almost 18 years of my life, involves a car, mountains and lots of stories. We travelled with no clear budgets, no itinerary - we slept many a night in our van- trust me for really long, I thought that's the way everyone holidays!) We have barely any road trip story where our car didn't break down. We have had mangoes in random tube-wells by the road and feasted at highway dhabas in quirky corners. For all the times I felt this was ridiculous, there were lessons I learnt which no book could ever teach. It taught me never to be scared of exploring. Probably that's why I venture into the unknown paths of life quite easily.

Make Stories as a Family

These road-trip adventures also gave me the guts to see shit through. We have travelled on roads which were as wide as the car, we have trekked on glaciers, stayed in tents by the mountain streams , we have raced against elephants at Jim Corbett and we have witnessed forest fires hitting our hill-cottage. If you thought watching a sci-fi thriller was thrilling, you haven't travelled with Dad. Now let me clarify - dad's sense of fun was never about driving rashly or jumping off cliffs.I think he saw life through the eyes of a child wanting to explore more. And in the process making memories and stories. Stories which we all survived to tell. To laugh at together. And that stayed with me.

Choose Happiness

Unlike dad, I am a thorough planner - but I also want to create my own adventures. I know life is too short to live perfectly - I want to continue the tradition of making crazy stories together with my family. I want my daughter to see me as tad-bit fearless and borderline bizarre. I want her to know that we have one life - and we can choose to laugh less or choose to laugh more. We can choose to be perfect - or we can choose to be ourselves. We can choose to be practical - and yet, choose to break into a chicken dance in the middle of our hotel lawns. I want her to choose happiness. Like Dad chose for himself.

No Girl-y Rules


Dad was pretty hand-off as a parent - and thanks to that - we never had curfew hours, 'girls dont go to parties', ' don't wear this' type of issues. We were pretty much treated as adults even when we were 12. This made me responsible with my freedom quite early. I made mistakes, hell yeah, but I never had anyone but myself to blame. I learnt to choose better. I learnt to trust myself.

Know the Boyfriend

Dad established certain boyfriend rules - every boy who was my friend/ potential boyfriend/ boyfriend - must come home and be introduced to my parents. Not in an inspection kinda way. No way, dad was too cool to weigh anyone top to toe. Dad was great with people, like I said, and it wasn't long before most of my guy friends enjoyed chilling with him. I never felt the need to not introduce them. And my parents always knew the company I kept. Kick-ass parenting move.

Mange your Money

When I started working, dad made it amply clear that I was to use this for my car fuel, my shopping and any other indulgences I so desired. There was never a concept of 'your income is your saving - we will give you money to indulge'. I admit, again, that I detested it initially. How could I be expected to enjoy with that meagre an income!Today, I know better. I learnt to live in my means and to manage my own money.I started taking my own decisions about what amount to spend and what to save and how. There was never someone else who I needed to look towards for handling my finances.I became truly independent.

'It's your Life'

As I grew older, dad and I disagreed on almost 99% of the topics.But I give him credit for always listening to my point of view without any rhetoric or harshness. He would continue to present his advice, but in the face of my persistent disagreement, he would close the argument with this one line :
"It's your life. I can only guide you as a father. Rest, you will have to bear the results of your actions.'
I often mocked him for being indifferent and unhelpful in decision-making when he made this statement. But now, I think of how these words came to be my strongest guidelines. I never depended on anyone for decision-making. I get confused, I get lonely, I get disturbed, even mad at myself. But I seek within - and ask myself about the choices I want to make whose results I want to carry on own shoulders.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that Dad didn't have opinions. He sure did - but he never imposed them. He just wasn't the kinda guy to. He was truly cool.Mostly.
He didn't raise 2 daughters - he raised 2 kids. Ofcourse, there were stereotyping melodramatic dialogues like 'tu mera beta hai' etc. - I'm sure Dad and I would have argued about that over dinner,if he were around.He'd probably end it with a funny PJ with both of us breaking into meaningless laughter.

Yes, there is no nigger loss than losing a parent. Remembering them not just in prayers but in our actions, remembering them not just on a shraad but everytime you do/say something they would, remembering them not just on their birthday,but in times when you're looking for honest,fearless answers, remembering simply how much of them is now us - will always keep them alive and closer to us than we imagine.

Thanks Dad..Guess I forgot to say it enough..
 

The Infant Travels

One of our fears while waiting for our 'bundle of joy' to arrive was about travel. We wondered if we could really enjoy travelling, ever again. Yes, having a kid has that kind of finality attached to it. Fears, doubts, questions all involve the phrase 'Ever Again'. 

There were images of crying (I mean howling,bawling) kids in the flight to walking around scenic landscaped with a kid in a stroller or hanging from a baby carrier. I couldn't recall many visuals of parent-infant holiday camaraderie, except maybe Disneyland images, but then who isn't happy at Disneyland! Ever seen a visual of a mom peacefully staring at the Eiffel Tower? If yes, then there is probably a dad with a kid on his shoulder right next to her. How is that possibly romantic? We just had to find a way of travelling without our baby.Else,this could be the end of our travel diaries - even before they began! We parked this fear - in the huge 'New Parents' Fears & Anxieties' parking lot - to deal with, as the time came.

Our darling daughter arrived - life changed. This super fast, perpetually exhausting, demanding pace of new parenthood, left us scrounging for sleep - who cared about luxuries like travel? 4 months passed. We survived. We deserved a vacation. We settled for a weekend getaway.

This was our first glimpse into planning a getaway with a baby involved – spontaneity really has no place here, atleast not on the first trip. 

The few basic checks were done -

-  Does the property allow kids? So have you been reading about those boutique,exquisite properties with so much peace and quiet - the escape from the world. There is a reason for the peace and quiet. Kids are not allowed. Our first eye-opener. No, we could not plan a stay at Wildflower Hall for a while.

- Travel distance - We didn't want to drive an infant for more than 2 hours - what if Colic struck? Or the baby was uneasy? The distance should be just right - long enough to feel the 'escape' and close enough to rush back incase of an emergency. Bingo.

- Basic kid-friendly facilities - Not too many stairs to tug around a pram, a 24/7 housekeeping and room-service, room enough for a babycot,if needed, doctor-on-call, etc.

We finally managed to shortlist (ok,honestly there wasn't much to shortlist from!) one of the Golf Resort properties about an hour-n- half away.We booked a Suite - if by chance, we were to get limited to the room, then might as well be a darn good room. Parent Holiday Logic.

Next up was packing. Packing which plays the least existent part in most young people vacations. It's a project while travelling with a baby. The tough choices first - should we carry the mobile playpen? Should we carry the pram or just the baby carrier? What about the bottle sterliser? Next were the choices about 'How Many'. So when adults travel, they pack as per days. When babies travel, they carry stuff as per hours. Example - Diaper changes every X hours, multiplied by number of hours on holiday equals number of diapers; add contingencies. Don't let the math kill the holiday excitement. It gets better with time.

After such exhaustive planning,we took off for a 2 -day break to experience this new phenomena called 'travelling with a kid'. 

We learnt so much about our little one. Baby J was a great road-tripper - she dozed off at the start - and slept right through. No fuss. 

We realised that just like her parents, she also enjoyed an extended afternoon vacation nap - almost like she knew this was the way to unwind.

She enjoyed chilling in her pram - A huge relief for us - she wasn't a 'godi' baby, mostly not.

Perfectly well-mannered at most times, unless she was hungry or sleepy, Baby J didn't mind the buzz of unfamiliar people and sights around her. Infact,she gazed with great interest and curiosity.

Unfortunately, though, Baby J was a fussy eater. So while she was happy to see new sights, the sight of unfamiliar food was a huge no-no for her. Which meant sticking to her milk and get on-request porridge and khichdi made for her. 

We also experienced what vacationing means as new parents. Its mostly just a change of location. It's hard to zone out into a world of mindlessness with a 4-month old around. Even if she was just chewing her soother - we felt the need to keep a check.Always policing. 

Over packing is vacation's worst enemy.True to the spirit of the New Paranoid Parent, we packed pretty much everything in her room which she needed, could need, liked, might want. This meant not only a lot of unpacking for 2 days but also a lot of wrapping up. Let's just say it was messy.

We were at a Golf Resort and we couldn't even take a single putting lesson. We couldn't take the spa, we couldn't got for a swim together. It's the 'one-at-a-time' or 'chuck-it' decision - we decided to chuck it. 

It wasn't our most relaxing getaway- I would admit. But it was taught us our first lessons about each other as a family. Like holidays should. 

It was also not the end of our travels. We have travelled far and wide with Baby J, who is now 3 years old. Our holidays are not only about the places we see together, the experiences we share in new cities and new cultures together, but also about the time we spend understanding more about each other as daughter,mommy and daddy.It's our escape from the world we know to the world we don't - holding each other's hands firmly as a family. 

This is our new travel diary - travelling as parents who want to have new adventures with their daughter. These will someday become stories which shaped her personality and character. Stories of discovering, adjusting, astonishment, courage, acceptance, resistance, temptation. Stories of our family.