Dearest Dad..

Losing a parent is the toughest loss anyone deals with,at any point in time. I faced this loss 5 years ago - and never had the courage to talk about it at length,let alone write about it. Just the sheer thought of our times together, of what was - and what could've been - gives me a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach.I refrain from letting myself feel the enormity of it, that's my mechanism. We all have our mechanisms. I've been dealing with it all this while - and finally it's time to write that long due letter to my Dad.

I was never really a Daddy's girl. Until the day I became a parent, and it dawned on me how heavily influenced I was by my dad's strange ways. I say strange, because, well he wasn't really the dutiful,family-oriented, Sooraj Barjatya movie-kinda guy. He was pretty much the guy who did exactly what he wanted to do. He was adventurous, bordering on crazy,he was liberal, almost too much,he was abashedly expressive about his love and anger, he was all about having fun. No, he wasn't even close to being the 'Trophy Dad'.Which made me resent his ways in my growing years.

Much to my surprise, as I'm growing older, I see my Dad in a whole new light. As relationships get more complicated, and so does finding truly joyful company - I often find myself going back to Dad's unabashed sense of fun. As I reflect on the 26 years we spent together, among the jokes and the fun, there are many ways in which Dad made me the person I am today.



Whenever I'm scared of any untravelled path, I think of Dad.

He was fearless - like I said, almost crazy. Dad was a sucker for the Mountains - and his idea of a holiday was only one - road trip to any corner of Himachal. My every memory of a vacation for almost 18 years of my life, involves a car, mountains and lots of stories. We travelled with no clear budgets, no itinerary - we slept many a night in our van- trust me for really long, I thought that's the way everyone holidays!) We have barely any road trip story where our car didn't break down. We have had mangoes in random tube-wells by the road and feasted at highway dhabas in quirky corners. For all the times I felt this was ridiculous, there were lessons I learnt which no book could ever teach. It taught me never to be scared of exploring. Probably that's why I venture into the unknown paths of life quite easily.

Make Stories as a Family

These road-trip adventures also gave me the guts to see shit through. We have travelled on roads which were as wide as the car, we have trekked on glaciers, stayed in tents by the mountain streams , we have raced against elephants at Jim Corbett and we have witnessed forest fires hitting our hill-cottage. If you thought watching a sci-fi thriller was thrilling, you haven't travelled with Dad. Now let me clarify - dad's sense of fun was never about driving rashly or jumping off cliffs.I think he saw life through the eyes of a child wanting to explore more. And in the process making memories and stories. Stories which we all survived to tell. To laugh at together. And that stayed with me.

Choose Happiness

Unlike dad, I am a thorough planner - but I also want to create my own adventures. I know life is too short to live perfectly - I want to continue the tradition of making crazy stories together with my family. I want my daughter to see me as tad-bit fearless and borderline bizarre. I want her to know that we have one life - and we can choose to laugh less or choose to laugh more. We can choose to be perfect - or we can choose to be ourselves. We can choose to be practical - and yet, choose to break into a chicken dance in the middle of our hotel lawns. I want her to choose happiness. Like Dad chose for himself.

No Girl-y Rules


Dad was pretty hand-off as a parent - and thanks to that - we never had curfew hours, 'girls dont go to parties', ' don't wear this' type of issues. We were pretty much treated as adults even when we were 12. This made me responsible with my freedom quite early. I made mistakes, hell yeah, but I never had anyone but myself to blame. I learnt to choose better. I learnt to trust myself.

Know the Boyfriend

Dad established certain boyfriend rules - every boy who was my friend/ potential boyfriend/ boyfriend - must come home and be introduced to my parents. Not in an inspection kinda way. No way, dad was too cool to weigh anyone top to toe. Dad was great with people, like I said, and it wasn't long before most of my guy friends enjoyed chilling with him. I never felt the need to not introduce them. And my parents always knew the company I kept. Kick-ass parenting move.

Mange your Money

When I started working, dad made it amply clear that I was to use this for my car fuel, my shopping and any other indulgences I so desired. There was never a concept of 'your income is your saving - we will give you money to indulge'. I admit, again, that I detested it initially. How could I be expected to enjoy with that meagre an income!Today, I know better. I learnt to live in my means and to manage my own money.I started taking my own decisions about what amount to spend and what to save and how. There was never someone else who I needed to look towards for handling my finances.I became truly independent.

'It's your Life'

As I grew older, dad and I disagreed on almost 99% of the topics.But I give him credit for always listening to my point of view without any rhetoric or harshness. He would continue to present his advice, but in the face of my persistent disagreement, he would close the argument with this one line :
"It's your life. I can only guide you as a father. Rest, you will have to bear the results of your actions.'
I often mocked him for being indifferent and unhelpful in decision-making when he made this statement. But now, I think of how these words came to be my strongest guidelines. I never depended on anyone for decision-making. I get confused, I get lonely, I get disturbed, even mad at myself. But I seek within - and ask myself about the choices I want to make whose results I want to carry on own shoulders.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that Dad didn't have opinions. He sure did - but he never imposed them. He just wasn't the kinda guy to. He was truly cool.Mostly.
He didn't raise 2 daughters - he raised 2 kids. Ofcourse, there were stereotyping melodramatic dialogues like 'tu mera beta hai' etc. - I'm sure Dad and I would have argued about that over dinner,if he were around.He'd probably end it with a funny PJ with both of us breaking into meaningless laughter.

Yes, there is no nigger loss than losing a parent. Remembering them not just in prayers but in our actions, remembering them not just on a shraad but everytime you do/say something they would, remembering them not just on their birthday,but in times when you're looking for honest,fearless answers, remembering simply how much of them is now us - will always keep them alive and closer to us than we imagine.

Thanks Dad..Guess I forgot to say it enough..
 

The Infant Travels

One of our fears while waiting for our 'bundle of joy' to arrive was about travel. We wondered if we could really enjoy travelling, ever again. Yes, having a kid has that kind of finality attached to it. Fears, doubts, questions all involve the phrase 'Ever Again'. 

There were images of crying (I mean howling,bawling) kids in the flight to walking around scenic landscaped with a kid in a stroller or hanging from a baby carrier. I couldn't recall many visuals of parent-infant holiday camaraderie, except maybe Disneyland images, but then who isn't happy at Disneyland! Ever seen a visual of a mom peacefully staring at the Eiffel Tower? If yes, then there is probably a dad with a kid on his shoulder right next to her. How is that possibly romantic? We just had to find a way of travelling without our baby.Else,this could be the end of our travel diaries - even before they began! We parked this fear - in the huge 'New Parents' Fears & Anxieties' parking lot - to deal with, as the time came.

Our darling daughter arrived - life changed. This super fast, perpetually exhausting, demanding pace of new parenthood, left us scrounging for sleep - who cared about luxuries like travel? 4 months passed. We survived. We deserved a vacation. We settled for a weekend getaway.

This was our first glimpse into planning a getaway with a baby involved – spontaneity really has no place here, atleast not on the first trip. 

The few basic checks were done -

-  Does the property allow kids? So have you been reading about those boutique,exquisite properties with so much peace and quiet - the escape from the world. There is a reason for the peace and quiet. Kids are not allowed. Our first eye-opener. No, we could not plan a stay at Wildflower Hall for a while.

- Travel distance - We didn't want to drive an infant for more than 2 hours - what if Colic struck? Or the baby was uneasy? The distance should be just right - long enough to feel the 'escape' and close enough to rush back incase of an emergency. Bingo.

- Basic kid-friendly facilities - Not too many stairs to tug around a pram, a 24/7 housekeeping and room-service, room enough for a babycot,if needed, doctor-on-call, etc.

We finally managed to shortlist (ok,honestly there wasn't much to shortlist from!) one of the Golf Resort properties about an hour-n- half away.We booked a Suite - if by chance, we were to get limited to the room, then might as well be a darn good room. Parent Holiday Logic.

Next up was packing. Packing which plays the least existent part in most young people vacations. It's a project while travelling with a baby. The tough choices first - should we carry the mobile playpen? Should we carry the pram or just the baby carrier? What about the bottle sterliser? Next were the choices about 'How Many'. So when adults travel, they pack as per days. When babies travel, they carry stuff as per hours. Example - Diaper changes every X hours, multiplied by number of hours on holiday equals number of diapers; add contingencies. Don't let the math kill the holiday excitement. It gets better with time.

After such exhaustive planning,we took off for a 2 -day break to experience this new phenomena called 'travelling with a kid'. 

We learnt so much about our little one. Baby J was a great road-tripper - she dozed off at the start - and slept right through. No fuss. 

We realised that just like her parents, she also enjoyed an extended afternoon vacation nap - almost like she knew this was the way to unwind.

She enjoyed chilling in her pram - A huge relief for us - she wasn't a 'godi' baby, mostly not.

Perfectly well-mannered at most times, unless she was hungry or sleepy, Baby J didn't mind the buzz of unfamiliar people and sights around her. Infact,she gazed with great interest and curiosity.

Unfortunately, though, Baby J was a fussy eater. So while she was happy to see new sights, the sight of unfamiliar food was a huge no-no for her. Which meant sticking to her milk and get on-request porridge and khichdi made for her. 

We also experienced what vacationing means as new parents. Its mostly just a change of location. It's hard to zone out into a world of mindlessness with a 4-month old around. Even if she was just chewing her soother - we felt the need to keep a check.Always policing. 

Over packing is vacation's worst enemy.True to the spirit of the New Paranoid Parent, we packed pretty much everything in her room which she needed, could need, liked, might want. This meant not only a lot of unpacking for 2 days but also a lot of wrapping up. Let's just say it was messy.

We were at a Golf Resort and we couldn't even take a single putting lesson. We couldn't take the spa, we couldn't got for a swim together. It's the 'one-at-a-time' or 'chuck-it' decision - we decided to chuck it. 

It wasn't our most relaxing getaway- I would admit. But it was taught us our first lessons about each other as a family. Like holidays should. 

It was also not the end of our travels. We have travelled far and wide with Baby J, who is now 3 years old. Our holidays are not only about the places we see together, the experiences we share in new cities and new cultures together, but also about the time we spend understanding more about each other as daughter,mommy and daddy.It's our escape from the world we know to the world we don't - holding each other's hands firmly as a family. 

This is our new travel diary - travelling as parents who want to have new adventures with their daughter. These will someday become stories which shaped her personality and character. Stories of discovering, adjusting, astonishment, courage, acceptance, resistance, temptation. Stories of our family.

For God’s Sake, don’t let her become a Model!

My daughter is good-looking. I say good-looking and not beautiful here because just like every child is to her mother, she is undoubtedly the most beautiful person for me. But what I want to talk about is her good looks.

Obsessed with ‘fair’ or ‘not fair’ skin, right from the day a girl steps, rather bawls, into the world, we start the ‘is she pretty?’ game. Yes, we had the right boxes ticked – fair, tall, and whatever else you would like. She soon became the ‘cute’ kid on the block and I soon became used to the onlookers “Arre dekh, she is so cute!” comments. I was quite non-chalant about the role ‘good’ looks had to play in my parenting process till I came across a few interesting comments (Don’t I always!). They made me pause and think. It wasn’t just about having our girls pretty, we also had biases about ‘pretty’ itself.  

Strike 1 : “Don’t call her cute too often – she’ll become vain”

Well, one of my primary duties to my daughter, which I take very seriously, is building immense self-confidence. And yes, for most of us, it starts with looks. Not with how we really look, but how those closest to us tell us about our looks. My younger sister always, for most of my college years, called me ‘Gorgeous’ and ‘Beautiful’ before I left for every party. She made my evening – and I never needed another compliment. I have never forgotten her words. She built the right body image for me even before either of us knew those terms. I choose to pass it on to my daughter. Enjoying your looks is not vain. Dark,Fair,Thin,Curvy,Short,Tall. Don’t let anyone ever stop you from giving yourself a flying kiss in the mirror. 

Strike 2 : “Oh my she looks cute, but she isn’t too smart, is she?!”  (Please note - She wasn’t walking on her own till she was 13 months old, like ‘most kids her age’ and hence..)

Oh, how long before we stop the ‘beauty with brains’ compliments?! Somehow, there is a universal belief that good looks and good brains are mutually exclusive. And if ‘By God’s Grace’ you are decent looking and have a brain, be prepared to either remain apologetic about it or atleast, not flaunt it.

I want my little girl to never feel the need to ‘look’ a certain way to fit in. She may be smart, brilliant or just about averagely intelligent, but she would not let any stereotype define her. Not all who do math are geeks, and not all who dance are creative.

Strike 3 : “Look at her walk so smartly – please tell me you’re not going to let her be a model!”

My favorite topic – Don’t let her be a Model. I asked why? The usual labels played out. When I didn’t budge, there was an interesting argument – These models are ruining body images of young girls today. Now this stayed with me. Interesting right? I also read this a lot in mass media - we conveniently pass on the entire burden of the burgeoning body image issues/disorders to those in the ‘glamour’ business. Now, now, before you raise a red flag, hear me out. According to me, Body Image issues start at home – they start by a simple statement made by a mother in front of her daughter about ‘Oh God! I’m looking so fat and horrible in this skirt!’ Or 'Your friend Priya was looking so good in that dress, no flab at all!' Or 'Don’t wear skirts, you’re too short/stubby,etc' In these 3 sentences, what the mother told her daughter was –

• Fat = Horrible
• Looking good= No flab at all
• Wearing a certain kind of outfit needs a certain kind of body and ofcourse, your body isn't perfect

While these seem harmless instances, if they remain a constant and regular affair in a girl’s life – by parents and siblings alike, it’s not too long before she feels disastrous about the way she looks. Add to this peer pressure and you have a potent mix. Now,lets all of us just blame it on Katrina. Easy. Wrong.Body image starts at home. And it starts with Mom.It starts young,really young.So does the focus on health versus looks. But that's another blog.

Now coming to the issue about being a Model. I don’t believe my job as a parent is to decide what’s the 'good','right','best' career choice for her – it is and will always be her choice. My responsibility is to talk to her about the pros and cons of each choice and make her aware in the best possible way about what could lie ahead of her. Secondly, how will she ever learn about breaking stereotypes if I serve them to her for dinner every night! As her parent, it’s my duty to let her find her feet. Without biases.Without my own set of prejudices. And without an unreasonable ‘because I said so’.

She can choose to be a model or a surgeon. Or both. She is, after all, her own person.

Money and Marriage

A reason for many to stay in bad marriages, a reason for many a lovers’ tiff, a reason for growing distances in marriages and sometimes, a reason for resenting your partner, money is most definitely the third wheel in the cog.

As a couple who moved out of their houses at the age of 25, my husband and I have gradually established certain ‘Money’ rules – which have helped us stay away from the sort of marriage mess it can create :

1.      Be Involved But choose the Leader – Get talking about your bank accounts. Working or not working, you like math or you hate math – get involved. Set aside a ‘Money Talk’ time of the month where you sit together and do the budgets. Many women would rather let him ‘take care of it’ and are left ‘astonished’ when the savings run out. Don’t let yourself be that woman. Being involved also takes the pressure off the Bookkeeper. Managing money to meet the family’s never-ending desires is not easy. Plan together. Make money fun. Enjoy your poor days and gloat on your rich ones. Because in both, you swim together – aware and involved. 

 2.      Yours, Mine and Ours – Keeping a joint account for the household expenses and household savings while maintaining your own individual accounts for your personal indulgences.  This may actually be a physically separate ‘Joint’ account or any 1 account which is sacredly mutually decided as ‘Household’. Fill it up with the household budget decided at the beginning of the month and pace it out as per plan. For each of your indulgences, use your personal account – no questions asked.

3.      Decide a Realistic Savings Goal– In our marriage, this is a common goal decided annually. We take baby steps, working together – this time you add, and this time I add – to build our nest egg. What helps us is having a clearly defined savings target and a partnership where each takes responsibility for their role.

4.      Plan your investments – My husband was a slacker at investments – and when in year 1, he talked about last-minute tax liabilities – I knew this would be my ‘actionable’. Hence, every year we plan our annual investments together. He has become quite great at it actually, almost working on auto pilot now. Most often, one partner doesn’t understand how investments work. This time it’s the job of the other, to include, to partner and initially do the paperwork for them. But don’t do it again. And again. Encourage ownership of investments. Learn together. 

5.      Let your partner indulge – Most of us feel we spend better than the other. There are so many couples whose money fight goes like this :

Partner A – Who told you to buy those Shoes?

Partner B – Well don’t we indulge in your ‘eating out’ sprees every 3^rd day…A single meal bill is equal to a pair of shoes, and everyone knows which lasts longer.

Pause. This happens in our house a lot. I will leave you guessing who is A n who is B. What, however, we soon recognized was celebrating our individual spending habits. Let your partner indulge – without question, without threat and without feeling guilty. Their indulgence is not the same as yours. Their spending decisions also might not appeal to your logic at all. But this is not about you. This is about their relationship with money. Don’t define their rules.

6.      Dealing with Debt – Most couples carry atleast some debt together. If you’re both earning, its best to distribute monthly payments as part of the monthly budget. If there is a personal debt, manage it. While it maybe easy to borrow from your partner, imbibe the habit of returning. We often lend and return to each other, even as husband and wife. Might be funny or even money-minded to many, but it keeps us away from any sense of resentment. It has also built a sense of responsibility towards debt in each of us.  

7.     Kill the 'Money Silence'  - Often the money silence creeps into marriages showing up as ‘trust’ issues years later. Some people don’t like to talk about money. But in marriages, this can possibly not be an excuse. If your partner doesn’t talk, spend time to ask, understand and discuss time and again their viewpoint. Involving each other in the bank accounts is an important step in becoming fully transparent with the other. This is a big piece of being companions – don’t shove the money silence under the carpet. Address it.

30 Lessons I learnt as I turned 30

1.  Time Heals – there is no other way to deal with loss of a dear one. 
2.  Noone can take away your independence if you don’t allow them to – speak your mind and believe in your own strength – independence is precious!
3.  I have finally learnt the difference between ‘being friendly’ and ‘being taken advantage of’ – oh finally!
4.  Try to stop judging people – everyone has a story, everyone has a situation


5. Having an opinion is great – but having the openness to hear another opinion-assimilating it and trying to understand it – is far more valuable
6.  Listening is an under-rated quality – it can create great leaders
7.  Never say never – life throws surprises at us!
8.  Give Second chances – but not third.
9.  Respect your parents – not because they provided for you but because they made you every bit of the person you are 



10.Keep the child alive – play in the rain, skip and jump, swing away – the truly heartwarming pleasures – don’t let adulthood suffocate you
11. Let Money be the means and not the end – who makes more, who makes less really doesn’t matter – what matters is what we do with what we make – some people prefer houses, I prefer vacations!
12.Manage your own money – Cannot be repeated enough.
13.Take responsibility – for your life, for your choices and for your relationships
14. Be Adventurous sometimes – that’s gonna make for the great stories for your grandkids
15.Believe in True Love
16.But Love yourself first..



17.Marriage is not about the romance only but the companionship - Romance fades but Companionship sustains
18.Help selflessly – its a way of 'passing it on' for all those who ever helped you
19.I learnt to Have faith – in the goodness of life.
20.There is no substitute to Hardwork – talent and luck both run out without hardwork
21.Look outside for motivation and look inside for direction
22.Value gifts – not for their price/looks but for their worth
23.Friends canbe your family – choose them wisely and keep them close



24.Laughing is contagious – laugh easily and at every opportunity you get!
25. Some people outlive their role in your life, let them go and some people come back into your life, welcome them
26. Honesty is the best policy – lies lead to more lies which can lead to horrible things
27.Travelling opens your horizons like no other – but only if you are receptive
28.Learn when to keep quiet in a fight – words spoken in anger are extremely hurtful and often hard to forget
29.   Don’t follow customs without asking why – unless you feel happy doing them – then don’t judge others who ask why.

 30.   Life is too short – Be grateful for all that you have - Count your blessings often.