For God’s Sake, don’t let her become a Model!

My daughter is good-looking. I say good-looking and not beautiful here because just like every child is to her mother, she is undoubtedly the most beautiful person for me. But what I want to talk about is her good looks.

Obsessed with ‘fair’ or ‘not fair’ skin, right from the day a girl steps, rather bawls, into the world, we start the ‘is she pretty?’ game. Yes, we had the right boxes ticked – fair, tall, and whatever else you would like. She soon became the ‘cute’ kid on the block and I soon became used to the onlookers “Arre dekh, she is so cute!” comments. I was quite non-chalant about the role ‘good’ looks had to play in my parenting process till I came across a few interesting comments (Don’t I always!). They made me pause and think. It wasn’t just about having our girls pretty, we also had biases about ‘pretty’ itself.  

Strike 1 : “Don’t call her cute too often – she’ll become vain”

Well, one of my primary duties to my daughter, which I take very seriously, is building immense self-confidence. And yes, for most of us, it starts with looks. Not with how we really look, but how those closest to us tell us about our looks. My younger sister always, for most of my college years, called me ‘Gorgeous’ and ‘Beautiful’ before I left for every party. She made my evening – and I never needed another compliment. I have never forgotten her words. She built the right body image for me even before either of us knew those terms. I choose to pass it on to my daughter. Enjoying your looks is not vain. Dark,Fair,Thin,Curvy,Short,Tall. Don’t let anyone ever stop you from giving yourself a flying kiss in the mirror. 

Strike 2 : “Oh my she looks cute, but she isn’t too smart, is she?!”  (Please note - She wasn’t walking on her own till she was 13 months old, like ‘most kids her age’ and hence..)

Oh, how long before we stop the ‘beauty with brains’ compliments?! Somehow, there is a universal belief that good looks and good brains are mutually exclusive. And if ‘By God’s Grace’ you are decent looking and have a brain, be prepared to either remain apologetic about it or atleast, not flaunt it.

I want my little girl to never feel the need to ‘look’ a certain way to fit in. She may be smart, brilliant or just about averagely intelligent, but she would not let any stereotype define her. Not all who do math are geeks, and not all who dance are creative.

Strike 3 : “Look at her walk so smartly – please tell me you’re not going to let her be a model!”

My favorite topic – Don’t let her be a Model. I asked why? The usual labels played out. When I didn’t budge, there was an interesting argument – These models are ruining body images of young girls today. Now this stayed with me. Interesting right? I also read this a lot in mass media - we conveniently pass on the entire burden of the burgeoning body image issues/disorders to those in the ‘glamour’ business. Now, now, before you raise a red flag, hear me out. According to me, Body Image issues start at home – they start by a simple statement made by a mother in front of her daughter about ‘Oh God! I’m looking so fat and horrible in this skirt!’ Or 'Your friend Priya was looking so good in that dress, no flab at all!' Or 'Don’t wear skirts, you’re too short/stubby,etc' In these 3 sentences, what the mother told her daughter was –

• Fat = Horrible
• Looking good= No flab at all
• Wearing a certain kind of outfit needs a certain kind of body and ofcourse, your body isn't perfect

While these seem harmless instances, if they remain a constant and regular affair in a girl’s life – by parents and siblings alike, it’s not too long before she feels disastrous about the way she looks. Add to this peer pressure and you have a potent mix. Now,lets all of us just blame it on Katrina. Easy. Wrong.Body image starts at home. And it starts with Mom.It starts young,really young.So does the focus on health versus looks. But that's another blog.

Now coming to the issue about being a Model. I don’t believe my job as a parent is to decide what’s the 'good','right','best' career choice for her – it is and will always be her choice. My responsibility is to talk to her about the pros and cons of each choice and make her aware in the best possible way about what could lie ahead of her. Secondly, how will she ever learn about breaking stereotypes if I serve them to her for dinner every night! As her parent, it’s my duty to let her find her feet. Without biases.Without my own set of prejudices. And without an unreasonable ‘because I said so’.

She can choose to be a model or a surgeon. Or both. She is, after all, her own person.

Money and Marriage

A reason for many to stay in bad marriages, a reason for many a lovers’ tiff, a reason for growing distances in marriages and sometimes, a reason for resenting your partner, money is most definitely the third wheel in the cog.

As a couple who moved out of their houses at the age of 25, my husband and I have gradually established certain ‘Money’ rules – which have helped us stay away from the sort of marriage mess it can create :

1.      Be Involved But choose the Leader – Get talking about your bank accounts. Working or not working, you like math or you hate math – get involved. Set aside a ‘Money Talk’ time of the month where you sit together and do the budgets. Many women would rather let him ‘take care of it’ and are left ‘astonished’ when the savings run out. Don’t let yourself be that woman. Being involved also takes the pressure off the Bookkeeper. Managing money to meet the family’s never-ending desires is not easy. Plan together. Make money fun. Enjoy your poor days and gloat on your rich ones. Because in both, you swim together – aware and involved. 

 2.      Yours, Mine and Ours – Keeping a joint account for the household expenses and household savings while maintaining your own individual accounts for your personal indulgences.  This may actually be a physically separate ‘Joint’ account or any 1 account which is sacredly mutually decided as ‘Household’. Fill it up with the household budget decided at the beginning of the month and pace it out as per plan. For each of your indulgences, use your personal account – no questions asked.

3.      Decide a Realistic Savings Goal– In our marriage, this is a common goal decided annually. We take baby steps, working together – this time you add, and this time I add – to build our nest egg. What helps us is having a clearly defined savings target and a partnership where each takes responsibility for their role.

4.      Plan your investments – My husband was a slacker at investments – and when in year 1, he talked about last-minute tax liabilities – I knew this would be my ‘actionable’. Hence, every year we plan our annual investments together. He has become quite great at it actually, almost working on auto pilot now. Most often, one partner doesn’t understand how investments work. This time it’s the job of the other, to include, to partner and initially do the paperwork for them. But don’t do it again. And again. Encourage ownership of investments. Learn together. 

5.      Let your partner indulge – Most of us feel we spend better than the other. There are so many couples whose money fight goes like this :

Partner A – Who told you to buy those Shoes?

Partner B – Well don’t we indulge in your ‘eating out’ sprees every 3^rd day…A single meal bill is equal to a pair of shoes, and everyone knows which lasts longer.

Pause. This happens in our house a lot. I will leave you guessing who is A n who is B. What, however, we soon recognized was celebrating our individual spending habits. Let your partner indulge – without question, without threat and without feeling guilty. Their indulgence is not the same as yours. Their spending decisions also might not appeal to your logic at all. But this is not about you. This is about their relationship with money. Don’t define their rules.

6.      Dealing with Debt – Most couples carry atleast some debt together. If you’re both earning, its best to distribute monthly payments as part of the monthly budget. If there is a personal debt, manage it. While it maybe easy to borrow from your partner, imbibe the habit of returning. We often lend and return to each other, even as husband and wife. Might be funny or even money-minded to many, but it keeps us away from any sense of resentment. It has also built a sense of responsibility towards debt in each of us.  

7.     Kill the 'Money Silence'  - Often the money silence creeps into marriages showing up as ‘trust’ issues years later. Some people don’t like to talk about money. But in marriages, this can possibly not be an excuse. If your partner doesn’t talk, spend time to ask, understand and discuss time and again their viewpoint. Involving each other in the bank accounts is an important step in becoming fully transparent with the other. This is a big piece of being companions – don’t shove the money silence under the carpet. Address it.

30 Lessons I learnt as I turned 30

1.  Time Heals – there is no other way to deal with loss of a dear one. 
2.  Noone can take away your independence if you don’t allow them to – speak your mind and believe in your own strength – independence is precious!
3.  I have finally learnt the difference between ‘being friendly’ and ‘being taken advantage of’ – oh finally!
4.  Try to stop judging people – everyone has a story, everyone has a situation


5. Having an opinion is great – but having the openness to hear another opinion-assimilating it and trying to understand it – is far more valuable
6.  Listening is an under-rated quality – it can create great leaders
7.  Never say never – life throws surprises at us!
8.  Give Second chances – but not third.
9.  Respect your parents – not because they provided for you but because they made you every bit of the person you are 



10.Keep the child alive – play in the rain, skip and jump, swing away – the truly heartwarming pleasures – don’t let adulthood suffocate you
11. Let Money be the means and not the end – who makes more, who makes less really doesn’t matter – what matters is what we do with what we make – some people prefer houses, I prefer vacations!
12.Manage your own money – Cannot be repeated enough.
13.Take responsibility – for your life, for your choices and for your relationships
14. Be Adventurous sometimes – that’s gonna make for the great stories for your grandkids
15.Believe in True Love
16.But Love yourself first..



17.Marriage is not about the romance only but the companionship - Romance fades but Companionship sustains
18.Help selflessly – its a way of 'passing it on' for all those who ever helped you
19.I learnt to Have faith – in the goodness of life.
20.There is no substitute to Hardwork – talent and luck both run out without hardwork
21.Look outside for motivation and look inside for direction
22.Value gifts – not for their price/looks but for their worth
23.Friends canbe your family – choose them wisely and keep them close



24.Laughing is contagious – laugh easily and at every opportunity you get!
25. Some people outlive their role in your life, let them go and some people come back into your life, welcome them
26. Honesty is the best policy – lies lead to more lies which can lead to horrible things
27.Travelling opens your horizons like no other – but only if you are receptive
28.Learn when to keep quiet in a fight – words spoken in anger are extremely hurtful and often hard to forget
29.   Don’t follow customs without asking why – unless you feel happy doing them – then don’t judge others who ask why.

 30.   Life is too short – Be grateful for all that you have - Count your blessings often.

5 Types of people you'll surely meet when you Quit a job to Start Up

I hate categorizations and stereotypes. I do. But when I quit and entered the Startup journey, I could not help but notice a pattern in the reactions and responses I typically faced. While there were many who changed categories as my journey progressed or who changed roles depending on the situation – but largely, this is how the universe looked to me: 

     1.The Cynic– Possibly the most interesting type. Because very few will be ‘Non- Discreet’ Cynics – throwing straightforward questions like ‘Why would you quit your job? For this?’ ‘How will you make money?’ ‘You know that most businesses fail right?’ – these questions I have often heard and shrugged my shoulders at. But the interesting ones are the ‘Discreet’ variety. These guys can only by identified with their lightly thrown in statements – ‘Ya its good, maybe you needed a break from a full time corporate schedule’ (Really, Starting up is your idea of a break?!) ‘You are so lucky to have a supportive husband who would be happy to fund this risk’ (Assumptions!) and so on. My initial few months were full of these kinds – ex-colleagues, friends – near and far, some family members and random strangers. 

I thank them now for they were the ones who gave me the courage to keep going – every cynic made my resolve firmer.   

       2. The Motivator – Surround yourself with them. They believe in your ability to choose the best thing for yourself and often remind you about it. These guys are the ones who will pat you gently on a low day and say ‘Just wait – good things are around the corner’. When you hesitatingly take your confusions or dilemmas about your start-up decisions, these are the ones who will actively discuss possible solutions, brainstorming with you and simply ending it with ‘This will happen – you’re doing great!’.

While I was sure of my decision, there would be days I needed re-assurance. And The Motivators were the saving grace.

  

      3. The Harsh but Truthful Advisor – Love or Hate but you cannot Ignore this type. These would probably be closest family members who know they can take liberties which no one else can. Theirs would be the most honest, brutal truth – when there is something they like, it will be appreciated but when there is something they disagree with, it will be vehemently spoken about.

Probably the toughest one to have around, but the most crucial link – I often reflected on the advise given during those mean sessions, and sure enough, there was nothing but truth there – because they always had my best interest at heart.

 

      4. The Blind Supporter – My favorite kinds. Because they love you, not just for what your business stands for, but for your spirit. These guys are good for your heart. They will most likely also be your first customers – and probably repeat customers too. They have more faith in you than you probably have in yourself – which is why the Supporter is your go-to person on a really blah day. The day you don’t want to discuss or debate ; you’re too exhausted of keeping up with all the chaos around you – that’s the day to have coffee with the Supporter.

They make the world a brighter and happier place in your startup journey.

      5.The Inspired – The small surprises of starting up. These are the younger ones or the entrepreneurial spirits tied down due to financial responsibilities. They will probably quote you in a conversation to another as an inspiration or just say ‘This is the dream, right?’ These guys are finding a reason to jump into the start-up world too but their head rules their heart. They are happy to be involved with your project, but would hardly be able to persist due to their ‘real’ jobs.

Hopefully, I could inspire atleast one person to seriously give their dreams a fair chance. 

Life is about the experiences we make and not just the money. Right?